Living Together 

A few months ago, the Institute for Family Studies published “How Moving in Together Makes It Harder to Know if He’s the One,” an article by Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades, research professors at the University of Denver. The authors note that more than 75% of couples live together before marriage. While a couple’s decision to cohabitate might be motivated by a desire to better determine compatibility for marriage, Stanley and Rhoades present four reasons why such a decision may actually make that determination more difficult. 

First, “living together makes it harder to break up.”  When people cohabitate, they tend to do things like pool finances, get a dog, and buy furniture together. But simply owning things together does not increase a couple’s desire to marry. Instead, it makes disentangling oneself from a romantic partner more complicated. When the idea of separating comes with the specter of also having to find a new place to live, the possibility of giving up a beloved pet, and the loss of money and possessions, it can feel easier to continue in that relationship rather than break up, even if the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Second, “for most couples, living together increases discord.” Not only do cohabitating couples deal with the challenges common to couples who don’t live together, they also deal with issues common to married couples. Stanley and Rhoades argue that these “married-couple issues,” like shared household finances and the foibles of each other’s families, “are easier to deal with when there is already a long-term commitment to the future – like there is in marriage.” Whereas a non-cohabitating couple might quickly break up over a disagreement about deeply held values, absent a long-term commitment, a cohabitating couple can become conflict-averse when it comes to big issues. This can lead to the harboring of grudges and resentments that make any relationship toxic. 

Third, Stanley and Rhoades argue that cohabitation can instill a “break-up mentality.” When a couple moves in together, they often have in mind how they will split up their stuff in the event of a breakup. This can instill a habit of thinking about what the end of the relationship will be like. This is bad because it makes the prospect of marriage seem a risky forfeiture of one’s freedom. Within marriage, this habit of thinking has a weakening effect on a spouse’s commitment level.  “Surviving the inevitable stress in marriage takes both partners being firmly committed to making it work.” Where those in a cohabiting relationship have developed the habit of thinking about the possibility of break up, this “can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage.” Finally, Stanley and Rhoades say that there are far better ways of determining compatibility than cohabitation. A much more effective way is by planning activities with one’s partner in different settings and with different people, such as family and friends. They suggest planning low-cost, low-commitment projects together, shared experiences that give invaluable insight into someone’s actual personality, as well as his/her ability to take responsibility for something, and whether he/she is able to resolve conflict in a healthy way. 

Of course, Stanley and Rhoades’ scholarship is based on social science, so they do not speak in terms of morality. But the Church has always held that cohabitation without the benefit of marriage is morally bad for us (i.e., it’s a sin), since sexual activity, which is the way we participate in the creation of new life, is properly reserved for marriage. This is true even where a cohabiting couple enjoys an otherwise functional relationship and goes on to have a happy marriage. Stanley and Rhoades’ findings seem to support the traditional approach to courtship, and if we care about truly helping people and building up a healthy culture, it is important for people to know how to prepare well for the challenges, rewards, and blessings of married life. 

posted 8/19/23